Hearing the news that your partner has cheated on you with someone else is like getting punched in the gut. The news is especially shocking if you thought that there was nothing wrong with your marriage and you both were happy. Everything just seems to go down the abyss from that point onwards. The thoughts just seem to take over control of your life. Finding out that not only your partner has committed adultery in marriage, but all the time you were happy together was a lie, is nothing short of an emotional catastrophe.
Controlling your thoughts in marriage after adultery is not an easy thing to do. Often times, it feels like that your thoughts are not coming from your own brain, but from a dark scary place which you have no control over. They come at their own will and stay as long as they want to. Many times, they even infiltrate your dreams. It is very common for the thoughts to make a loop of negative thoughts from which it almost seems impossible to get out of.
Now, if you want to make your marriage work after adultery, or if you just want to gain your sanity back after adultery in marriage, you will have to learn how to control your thoughts so you can start living your life again. It’s not going to be easy, but you will have to do it, otherwise you are just one step away from insanity.
Here is a working step by step procedure to control your thoughts
1. Track the thoughts: Find out when and where these thoughts occur. Try to find the time of the day they are more likely to occur and the places where they are more likely to occur. You have to play the hunter and identify the patterns of the thoughts before you attack and try to eliminate them.
For example, you may get thoughts before going to sleep, or while commuting to work, or while listening to the news about a political affair, or after seeing a car that the paramour used to drive.
2. Identify the negative loop patterns: Negative thoughts have a way of repeating themselves in a loop. Try to understand how these thoughts are lingering in your head by using these loops and try to find a point where you can stop these loop.
3. Eliminate the loop: Now change your pattern to avoid the places and times that are conducive to the negative thoughts. For example, if you get thoughts before bed, start reading some poetry before bed or some other book. If you get the thoughts while commuting to work, start listening to an audio tape on the way.
If you encounter these thoughts after seeing/hearing something unexpectedly, you can avoid them by quickly taking action and changing the pattern. If you find yourself in the loop, try to find out the weak point of the loop and use it to exit from the loop by creating a distraction for yourself.