After the affair, when you are trying to put the pieces together and working on making things work again, it is quite common to start comparing yourself to the other women. You might start saying things like this to yourself
“She is definitely prettier than me”
“She is smart, intelligent, successful, and funny. No wonder he fell for her.”
“I am not desired by my husband anymore. He is with me because it’s the right thing to do, otherwise, he would have been with her.”
The blow on your self esteem is a big obstacle while coping with infidelity. After suffering such a blow, you start constantly judging your own self esteem. This will definitely make things only harder when you are trying to put the pieces of your marriage together, little by little, everyday.
There are a few things that you can do to stop this judging and comparison with the other women. Here are a few tips.
1. Track your thoughts. Listen to your internal dialogue and try to realize where the thoughts are leading. It is possible that the thoughts are going in a loop; constantly devaluing your self-worth with each loop. Make a note of it.
2. Belittle the other women. If she was so funny, intelligent, smart, accomplished, Greek goddess like, she wouldn’t have had an affair with a married man. Remind yourself this every time you think that she is too good.
3. While you are at it, try and have some fun with the image of the other women. If you think she is beautiful, try turning her into a witch by lengthening her nose and giving her a witch hat. If you think she is funny, give her a horse face and pig laugh. You control your thoughts and there is no harm in having fun with them.
4. Build up your self esteem. Try to think what you really like about yourself. Try to come up with a list of your nice qualities. Now whenever you find yourself questioning your self esteem, repeat the list.
You need to use techniques like this to keep your self esteem and your sanity. You should understand that the affair was solely the responsibility of the cheater and you weren’t responsible for it in anyway. Even though you are trying to cope with infidelity, you should never let anything make you question your self esteem.
What are your experiences about comparing yourself to the other women?
Do use self affirmations? Did it work for you?
Share experiences in the comment section below. I’d love to hear from you.