Posts in category infidelity

Coping With Infidelity – How To Stop Comparing Yourself To Her?

After the affair, when you are trying to put the pieces together and working on making things work again, it is quite common to start comparing yourself to the other women. You might start saying things like this to yourself

“She is definitely prettier than me”

“She is smart, intelligent, successful, and funny. No wonder he fell for her.”

“I am not desired by my husband anymore. He is with me because it’s the right thing to do, otherwise, he would have been with her.”

The blow on your self esteem is a big obstacle while coping with infidelity. After suffering such a blow, you start constantly judging your own self esteem. This will definitely make things only harder when you are trying to put the pieces of your marriage together, little by little, everyday.

There are a few things that you can do to stop this judging and comparison with the other women. Here are a few tips.

1. Track your thoughts. Listen to your internal dialogue and try to realize where the thoughts are leading. It is possible that the thoughts are going in a loop; constantly devaluing your self-worth with each loop. Make a note of it.

2. Belittle the other women. If she was so funny, intelligent, smart, accomplished, Greek goddess like, she wouldn’t have had an affair with a married man. Remind yourself this every time you think that she is too good.

3. While you are at it, try and have some fun with the image of the other women. If you think she is beautiful, try turning her into a witch by lengthening her nose and giving her a witch hat. If you think she is funny, give her a horse face and pig laugh. You control your thoughts and there is no harm in having fun with them.

Not So Pretty Now, eh?

4. Build up your self esteem. Try to think what you really like about yourself. Try to come up with a list of your nice qualities. Now whenever you find yourself questioning your self esteem, repeat the list.

You need to use techniques like this to keep your self esteem and your sanity. You should understand that the affair was solely the responsibility of the cheater and you weren’t responsible for it in anyway. Even though you are trying to cope with infidelity, you should never let anything make you question your self esteem.

What are your experiences about comparing yourself to the other women?

Do use self affirmations? Did it work for you?

Share experiences in the comment section below. I’d love to hear from you.

Posted in affair, emotions

Top 10 Signs of Infidelity – A Comprehensive Overview

Are you worried that your spouse might be having an extramarital affair? There are many signs of infidelity that may help you find out whether or not your spouse is cheating on you. However, there are two things that you absolutely must know before I talk about the signs of infidelity.

a. Your spouse may show all the signs of infidelity and still may not be cheating on you. Just because they are acting in a certain way doesn’t necessarily mean they are having an affair. It could just be that they are going through a difficult time in their lives. You will have to determine from your own unique situation to be sure if they are cheating on you.

2. It is possible that your spouse may not show any of the signs and still cheat on you. Some people are just excellent liars and they may be able to hide the affair for a long time if they are good at it. So, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your spouse will show any of these signs if they are cheating.

Okay, so here are the top 10 signs of infidelity in marriage.

1. Your spouse suddenly becomes emotionally distant. It might feel like they are depressed or withdrawn from you. Sometimes, they don’t want to share anything with you. The love and affection just fades away and they might not even let you show your love and affection.

2. The spouse may become angry, unpleasant and sometimes maybe even cruel. They may snap frequently at you or at the children. They may be emotionally or verbally abusing you.

3. The cheater will often say that their spouse are controlling. This is common as they become defensive even when you don’t ask them many question. Your spouse may feel like they are being watched without any reason.

4. The cheating spouse may be paying extra attention to the way they look and appear. Going to the gym, buying new clothes, spending hours in front of the mirror can be signs of infidelity.

5. The cheating spouse may be spending more time at work, business trips, after work meetings etc.

6. They suddenly become overzealous about something new in their lives. They might start something new all of a sudden. Something like a new hobby or a sport. This sign is usually accompanied with lack of zeal for their spouse and family.

7. They may start flirting around the opposite sex.

8. They may become too obsessive about their privacy. They may get a private bank account or a new email address just so their spouse couldn’t see their private communication.

9. The spouse may act differently in the bedroom. If you notice something different in your sex life (good or bad); it could be one of the signs of infidelity.

10. Not wearing the wedding ring is another sign of a cheating spouse. In this situation, there is often a very good excuse lined up for not wearing the ring.

The above signs are more of a behavioral sign of a cheating spouse. On the other hand, you can easily find out some obvious signs like their body odor, if there is some unknown phone number on their cell, you find something in the car that doesn’t belong to anyone in the family, etc.

And again, just because your spouse is exhibiting the above signs, doesn’t necessarily mean that they are cheating. And even if they are not exhibiting any of the signs, doesn’t necessarily mean they are not cheating. If you have a suspicion and you are trying to figure out if they are cheating or not, you could do so with a definitive plan by clicking here.

Posted in signs

Getting Over An Affair – How To Stop The Images of The Paramour

The Images may be one of the biggest obstacle in getting over an affair

Getting over an affair that your spouse had isn’t an easy thing to do. Especially with all the images that keep playing in your head like a movie or like a slideshow. It is definitely not in your best interest to keep thinking about the images if you want to make your marriage work again. However, it is almost impossible to stop as you feel compelled to let the slideshow play even though you know you will end up getting hurt. It’s like a child pushing on the tooth that has cavity knowing that it’s going to make it worse.

The images might make you feel like you are drowning in an emotional quicksand as you react physically, emotionally and spiritually to them. With every new slideshow, you get more and more pulled into the dark abyss of emotional hurt from where it seems there is no coming back. It’s like a living nightmare that you just can’t wake up from.

It’s quite common for the images to keep lingering in the mind months even years after the affair had taken place. This is what makes getting over an affair so hard.

How to get over an affair by eliminating the images?

There is a simple exercise recommended by Dr. Gunzburg (the creator of How To Survive an Affair) on how to eliminate the images. But be wary, that this exercise might not work for you and if it doesn’t you can stop doing it. If it does help you in feeling better, then you can continue this exercise. The exercise consists of three simple steps for getting over an affair and eliminating the images.

1. Find a place and time for the images. You need to set a time during the day and a quiet place where you can sit and contemplate about the images. It does sound counterintuitive but it has worked for many people. The concept here is that the images don’t control your thoughts anymore; instead, you are the one who will control the images.

2. Invite the images in. Instead of the images coming to out of nowhere, you take control of your thoughts and invite the images. This way you don’t feel like a victim to this mental torture and are more in control of yourself.

3. Once you get the images, you can manipulate the images in your mind. One way to do this is hit the rewind button and make the images play in reverse. Play the fantasy backwards, whether it’s a slideshow or a movie. For some people, this will work in feeling a lot better. But if it doesn’t, stop immediately as it may make you feel worse.

Remember, that there are many others just like you who are suffering from this same problem and you are not alone. It’s normal to question your sanity when you can’t get yourself to stop the images in your mind. But if you know that it’s a common after effect of an affair, you may feel a lot better about it. You can start healing with a free course on getting over an affair by clicking here.

Posted in affair, trust - Tagged get over the affair, images

Divorce After Infidelity – Should You Get a Divorce?

Should You Get a Divorce?

Some couples who have failed to make their relationship work after infidelity in marriage, start entertaining the idea of divorce after infidelity. The emotional sequence of getting a divorce is really devastating.

What will happen after the divorce?

What will happen to the children?

What will happen to my life?

Will I ever find someone else?

What will happen to my family?

Since the injured still isn’t sure about the divorce, they start asking everyone around them whether or not they should get a divorce. They ask their friends, family, priests, rabbis, relatives, counselors; anyone who they can get their hands on. However, if you are in the same position, you need to understand that you should never accept the advice from anyone. Well intentioned and well informed as it may be, none of them are in the position you are and they don’t know if you could live with the consequence of the decision you make.

You need to understand the weight of the decision you are going to make. Many couples think that divorce is the magic bullet which will just instantly solve all their problems. Since, they are having trouble living with their partner and are unhappy, they think that getting rid of their partner will make them happy. Unfortunately it is not so. A study done by By Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley named “Does Divorce Make People Happy” revealed an interesting statistic about divorces.

• Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average,

than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouses

who had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouses

who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and

income.

• Divorce did not reduce symptoms of depression for unhappily married adults,

or raise their self-esteem, or increase their sense of mastery, on average, compared

to unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling

for race, age, gender, and income.

• The vast majority of divorces (74 percent) happened to adults who had been

happily married five years previously. In this group, divorce was associated with dramatic

declines in happiness and psychological well-being compared to those who stayed

married.

• Unhappy marriages were less common than unhappy spouses. Three out of four

unhappily married adults were married to someone who was happy with the marriage.2

• Staying married did not typically trap unhappy spouses in violent relationships.

Eighty-six percent of unhappily married adults reported no violence in their relationship

(including 77 percent of unhappy spouses who later divorced or separated). Ninety-three

percent of unhappy spouses who avoided divorce reported no violence in their marriage

five years later.

• Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation

ended up happily married five years later. Just one out of five of unhappy spouses

who divorced or separated had happily remarried in the same time period.

Now, I am not saying that divorce is the wrong option; neither am I saying it is the right option. I am just saying that before making the decision, you need to understand that the divorce will not solve all your problems.

If a relationship truly has no chance of surviving, then the partners know deep inside that divorce is their only option and they don’t go around asking people whether or not they should go for divorce. However, if you are still uncertain, you can try something to be sure.

Take your marriage to its best shape and if at that moment you still fell that you should get a divorce, then you should.

You can do this by working on your marriage for a period of time. Set a time limit and make yourself put in the best effort for that time limit. Since you will just have to put in the effort for the certain time limit (3 months or 6 months), it will be much easier for you to do it.

Don’t use the ‘D’ word during that time you are working on your marriage. Give it your best shot regardless of the behavior of your spouse.

If at the end of this time period, you still feel you need to get a divorce after infidelity; you will be sure about it and will not have to ask everyone about your decision. On the other hand, if the marriage works out, you will be sure whether it is worth staying in the marriage or not.

If you’ve decided to work on your marriage and not get a divorce after infidelity just yet, you can start with Dr. Gunzburg’s free course by clicking here.

Posted in divorce - Tagged divorce

Infidelity in Marriage – How to Stop the Mistrust Triggers

If you want to build trust back again in your marriage - You need to do things a little differently

Building trust after infidelity in marriage is one of the hardest challenges that a couple face when they are trying to work on a relationship. Infidelity is generally coupled with a lot of lies and deceit which the cheater shamelessly uses to hide the injured from the truth. But after the injured finds out about all the lies and the infidelity in marriage, they struggle with a blow to their self esteem knowing that they were so easily deceived. Of course, they blame it to the blind trust that they’d put in their cheating partner.

When the couple is trying to work on the relationship after the infidelity in marriage, it becomes extremely difficult for the injured to trust the cheaters excuses for coming home late from work, or not answering the telephone. Even though the cheater may have a legitimate reason for coming home late, or not answering the telephone, how can the injured believe them after all the time they had been lying to them. These situations, where it is hard for the injured to believe the cheater are known as mistrust triggers.

Trust is extremely important in rebuilding the relationship and you know you want the relationship to reach the point of the carefree relationship where you can trust your spouse’s word without thinking twice. I want to tell you that it is possible to reach that point. You will obviously have to work at it and it will take some time, but you can have that carefree and trusting relationship again with your spouse if both of you are willing to work on it.

How to Stop the Mistrust Triggers

One of the questions that people often ask is how to detect a lie from the cheating spouse. There has to be a magic formula by which you can detect whether or not they are lying. Well, there are of course ways that you can find out if they are lying or not, but a better option will be to stop the mistrust triggers.

The only way you can find out if they are lying or not, is either get them do a polygraph test, or you take the lie detection training (the one that they do in the intelligence). As you can imagine, both the ways will be really time consuming and expensive. Moreover, you aren’t really building trust by putting your spouse through a lie detector test every time he comes home from work.

After infidelity in marriage, it is a much better option to work on stopping the mistrust triggers. Here are the three steps to stop mistrust triggers

1. Identify the triggers – You need to identify exactly what type of situation triggers mistrust in you if you are the injured or what action triggers mistrust in your injured spouse if you are the cheater. Unless you identify them, you can’t stop them. Example, coming home late from work and not calling might make your injured spouse think of images of you being with someone else. Not answering your spouse’s phone and not calling them back for a long time.

2. Increase your transparency – If you are the cheating spouse, you need to increase the transparency of your life. Make it a point to call your partner and talk about your day at least two times a day. For some people, this may sound like “checking in with your parents”. But if you look at it that way, you will never be able to rebuild trust in the relationship and you will eventually start resenting calling your partner. Look at it as a gift to your injured spouse which will help rebuild the love and trust in your relationship.

3. Eliminate the mistrust triggers – Eliminating the mistrust triggers is a much better option than trying to figure out a lie every time your partner is late. You may need to implement step 2 for this. If there are no mistrust triggers, there will be no mistrust.

Transparency and eliminating mistrust triggers is one of the most important part of rebuilding a relationship after infidelity in marriage. If you are willing to work on the relationship, you can start by opting in for the free course by Dr. Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D. on how to survive an affair. Click Here to start now.

Posted in trust - Tagged trust

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