Infidelity in Marriage – How to Stop the Mistrust Triggers

If you want to build trust back again in your marriage - You need to do things a little differently

Building trust after infidelity in marriage is one of the hardest challenges that a couple face when they are trying to work on a relationship. Infidelity is generally coupled with a lot of lies and deceit which the cheater shamelessly uses to hide the injured from the truth. But after the injured finds out about all the lies and the infidelity in marriage, they struggle with a blow to their self esteem knowing that they were so easily deceived. Of course, they blame it to the blind trust that they’d put in their cheating partner.

When the couple is trying to work on the relationship after the infidelity in marriage, it becomes extremely difficult for the injured to trust the cheaters excuses for coming home late from work, or not answering the telephone. Even though the cheater may have a legitimate reason for coming home late, or not answering the telephone, how can the injured believe them after all the time they had been lying to them. These situations, where it is hard for the injured to believe the cheater are known as mistrust triggers.

Trust is extremely important in rebuilding the relationship and you know you want the relationship to reach the point of the carefree relationship where you can trust your spouse’s word without thinking twice. I want to tell you that it is possible to reach that point. You will obviously have to work at it and it will take some time, but you can have that carefree and trusting relationship again with your spouse if both of you are willing to work on it.

How to Stop the Mistrust Triggers

One of the questions that people often ask is how to detect a lie from the cheating spouse. There has to be a magic formula by which you can detect whether or not they are lying. Well, there are of course ways that you can find out if they are lying or not, but a better option will be to stop the mistrust triggers.

The only way you can find out if they are lying or not, is either get them do a polygraph test, or you take the lie detection training (the one that they do in the intelligence). As you can imagine, both the ways will be really time consuming and expensive. Moreover, you aren’t really building trust by putting your spouse through a lie detector test every time he comes home from work.

After infidelity in marriage, it is a much better option to work on stopping the mistrust triggers. Here are the three steps to stop mistrust triggers

1. Identify the triggers – You need to identify exactly what type of situation triggers mistrust in you if you are the injured or what action triggers mistrust in your injured spouse if you are the cheater. Unless you identify them, you can’t stop them. Example, coming home late from work and not calling might make your injured spouse think of images of you being with someone else. Not answering your spouse’s phone and not calling them back for a long time.

2. Increase your transparency – If you are the cheating spouse, you need to increase the transparency of your life. Make it a point to call your partner and talk about your day at least two times a day. For some people, this may sound like “checking in with your parents”. But if you look at it that way, you will never be able to rebuild trust in the relationship and you will eventually start resenting calling your partner. Look at it as a gift to your injured spouse which will help rebuild the love and trust in your relationship.

3. Eliminate the mistrust triggers – Eliminating the mistrust triggers is a much better option than trying to figure out a lie every time your partner is late. You may need to implement step 2 for this. If there are no mistrust triggers, there will be no mistrust.

Transparency and eliminating mistrust triggers is one of the most important part of rebuilding a relationship after infidelity in marriage. If you are willing to work on the relationship, you can start by opting in for the free course by Dr. Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D. on how to survive an affair. Click Here to start now.

Posted in infidelity, trust - Tagged infidelity, trust

Coping With Infidelity – How To Stop Comparing Yourself To Her?

After the affair, when you are trying to put the pieces together and working on making things work again, it is quite common to start comparing yourself to the other women. You might start saying things like this to yourself

“She is definitely prettier than me”

“She is smart, intelligent, successful, and funny. No wonder he fell for her.”

“I am not desired by my husband anymore. He is with me because it’s the right thing to do, otherwise, he would have been with her.”

The blow on your self esteem is a big obstacle while coping with infidelity. After suffering such a blow, you start constantly judging your own self esteem. This will definitely make things only harder when you are trying to put the pieces of your marriage together, little by little, everyday.

There are a few things that you can do to stop this judging and comparison with the other women. Here are a few tips.

1. Track your thoughts. Listen to your internal dialogue and try to realize where the thoughts are leading. It is possible that the thoughts are going in a loop; constantly devaluing your self-worth with each loop. Make a note of it.

2. Belittle the other women. If she was so funny, intelligent, smart, accomplished, Greek goddess like, she wouldn’t have had an affair with a married man. Remind yourself this every time you think that she is too good.

3. While you are at it, try and have some fun with the image of the other women. If you think she is beautiful, try turning her into a witch by lengthening her nose and giving her a witch hat. If you think she is funny, give her a horse face and pig laugh. You control your thoughts and there is no harm in having fun with them.

Not So Pretty Now, eh?

4. Build up your self esteem. Try to think what you really like about yourself. Try to come up with a list of your nice qualities. Now whenever you find yourself questioning your self esteem, repeat the list.

You need to use techniques like this to keep your self esteem and your sanity. You should understand that the affair was solely the responsibility of the cheater and you weren’t responsible for it in anyway. Even though you are trying to cope with infidelity, you should never let anything make you question your self esteem.

What are your experiences about comparing yourself to the other women?

Do use self affirmations? Did it work for you?

Share experiences in the comment section below. I’d love to hear from you.

Posted in affair, emotions, infidelity

Top 10 Signs of Infidelity – A Comprehensive Overview

Are you worried that your spouse might be having an extramarital affair? There are many signs of infidelity that may help you find out whether or not your spouse is cheating on you. However, there are two things that you absolutely must know before I talk about the signs of infidelity.

a. Your spouse may show all the signs of infidelity and still may not be cheating on you. Just because they are acting in a certain way doesn’t necessarily mean they are having an affair. It could just be that they are going through a difficult time in their lives. You will have to determine from your own unique situation to be sure if they are cheating on you.

2. It is possible that your spouse may not show any of the signs and still cheat on you. Some people are just excellent liars and they may be able to hide the affair for a long time if they are good at it. So, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your spouse will show any of these signs if they are cheating.

Okay, so here are the top 10 signs of infidelity in marriage.

1. Your spouse suddenly becomes emotionally distant. It might feel like they are depressed or withdrawn from you. Sometimes, they don’t want to share anything with you. The love and affection just fades away and they might not even let you show your love and affection.

2. The spouse may become angry, unpleasant and sometimes maybe even cruel. They may snap frequently at you or at the children. They may be emotionally or verbally abusing you.

3. The cheater will often say that their spouse are controlling. This is common as they become defensive even when you don’t ask them many question. Your spouse may feel like they are being watched without any reason.

4. The cheating spouse may be paying extra attention to the way they look and appear. Going to the gym, buying new clothes, spending hours in front of the mirror can be signs of infidelity.

5. The cheating spouse may be spending more time at work, business trips, after work meetings etc.

6. They suddenly become overzealous about something new in their lives. They might start something new all of a sudden. Something like a new hobby or a sport. This sign is usually accompanied with lack of zeal for their spouse and family.

7. They may start flirting around the opposite sex.

8. They may become too obsessive about their privacy. They may get a private bank account or a new email address just so their spouse couldn’t see their private communication.

9. The spouse may act differently in the bedroom. If you notice something different in your sex life (good or bad); it could be one of the signs of infidelity.

10. Not wearing the wedding ring is another sign of a cheating spouse. In this situation, there is often a very good excuse lined up for not wearing the ring.

The above signs are more of a behavioral sign of a cheating spouse. On the other hand, you can easily find out some obvious signs like their body odor, if there is some unknown phone number on their cell, you find something in the car that doesn’t belong to anyone in the family, etc.

And again, just because your spouse is exhibiting the above signs, doesn’t necessarily mean that they are cheating. And even if they are not exhibiting any of the signs, doesn’t necessarily mean they are not cheating. If you have a suspicion and you are trying to figure out if they are cheating or not, you could do so with a definitive plan by clicking here.

Posted in infidelity, signs

Adultery In Marriage – Surviving Marriage After Adultery And Controlling Your Thoughts

Hearing the news that your partner has cheated on you with someone else is like getting punched in the gut. The news is especially shocking if you thought that there was nothing wrong with your marriage and you both were happy. Everything just seems to go down the abyss from that point onwards. The thoughts just seem to take over control of your life. Finding out that not only your partner has committed adultery in marriage, but all the time you were happy together was a lie, is nothing short of an emotional catastrophe.

Controlling your thoughts in marriage after adultery is not an easy thing to do. Often times, it feels like that your thoughts are not coming from your own brain, but from a dark scary place which you have no control over. They come at their own will and stay as long as they want to. Many times, they even infiltrate your dreams. It is very common for the thoughts to make a loop of negative thoughts from which it almost seems impossible to get out of.

Now, if you want to make your marriage work after adultery, or if you just want to gain your sanity back after adultery in marriage, you will have to learn how to control your thoughts so you can start living your life again. It’s not going to be easy, but you will have to do it, otherwise you are just one step away from insanity.

Here is a working step by step procedure to control your thoughts

1. Track the thoughts: Find out when and where these thoughts occur. Try to find the time of the day they are more likely to occur and the places where they are more likely to occur. You have to play the hunter and identify the patterns of the thoughts before you attack and try to eliminate them.

For example, you may get thoughts before going to sleep, or while commuting to work, or while listening to the news about a political affair, or after seeing a car that the paramour used to drive.

2. Identify the negative loop patterns: Negative thoughts have a way of repeating themselves in a loop. Try to understand how these thoughts are lingering in your head by using these loops and try to find a point where you can stop these loop.

3. Eliminate the loop: Now change your pattern to avoid the places and times that are conducive to the negative thoughts. For example, if you get thoughts before bed, start reading some poetry before bed or some other book. If you get the thoughts while commuting to work, start listening to an audio tape on the way.

If you encounter these thoughts after seeing/hearing something unexpectedly, you can avoid them by quickly taking action and changing the pattern. If you find yourself in the loop, try to find out the weak point of the loop and use it to exit from the loop by creating a distraction for yourself.

Posted in affair, emotions - Tagged adultery, controlling thoughts, thoughts

Is Anger Destroying your Chances of Healing After an Affair

Anger might be having the opposite affect on the marriage than you think

Anger is one of the normal emotions after you find out that your spouse has cheated on you. But chronic anger can very well be the main hindrance in healing after the affair.

There can be many reasons for the anger to continue. In essence, the anger is continuing because you feel that the anger is protecting you from getting hurt again and is going to make your spouse realize how much you are hurt. This makes you believe that it is the anger which will make your spouse will feel remorseful of their action and will make them change so that they do not do such a horrible thing again.

However, the anger may be having the exact opposite effect in your marriage and your health. First of all, anger is extremely bad for health. Your body behaves differently when you are anger perpetuates for a long time. The way your blood vessels deposit fat changes, the way your mind functions changes, and the way your body processes is also affected by anger. Not to mention the psychological stress and pain that you have to deal when you are constantly angry.

Now let’s see how it affects your marriage. It’s true that in the starting your anger will serve the purpose of making your spouse realize their mistakes and feel remorseful for their actions. However, after a certain point they will just find it irritating and become defensive about the anger. Anger is not a shield, it’s a weapon. It’s a weapon for attacking someone. And if you are constantly angry, your spouse will think that you are constantly attacking them, which will only result in them becoming defensive and maybe attack back.

So how do you get rid of the anger to heal after an affair?

If you want to heal after the affair, it is imperative that you learn how to stop the anger. It is highly recommended that instead of trying to forgive instantly, you first try to accept what has happened and learn to live with it. The forgiveness will come eventually. And once you do accept it, the anger will slowly fade away. Communication is the key to healing the marriage after an affair. If instead of being angry, you just communicate with your spouse how you are feeling, it will be much more constructive.

There is of course, much more to healing after an affair than just communicating. You need to understand how to communicate, how to reach acceptance and eventually reach forgiveness. You can start with this course offered by Dr. Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D. by clicking here.

Posted in affair, emotions

Getting Over An Affair – How To Stop The Images of The Paramour

The Images may be one of the biggest obstacle in getting over an affair

Getting over an affair that your spouse had isn’t an easy thing to do. Especially with all the images that keep playing in your head like a movie or like a slideshow. It is definitely not in your best interest to keep thinking about the images if you want to make your marriage work again. However, it is almost impossible to stop as you feel compelled to let the slideshow play even though you know you will end up getting hurt. It’s like a child pushing on the tooth that has cavity knowing that it’s going to make it worse.

The images might make you feel like you are drowning in an emotional quicksand as you react physically, emotionally and spiritually to them. With every new slideshow, you get more and more pulled into the dark abyss of emotional hurt from where it seems there is no coming back. It’s like a living nightmare that you just can’t wake up from.

It’s quite common for the images to keep lingering in the mind months even years after the affair had taken place. This is what makes getting over an affair so hard.

How to get over an affair by eliminating the images?

There is a simple exercise recommended by Dr. Gunzburg (the creator of How To Survive an Affair) on how to eliminate the images. But be wary, that this exercise might not work for you and if it doesn’t you can stop doing it. If it does help you in feeling better, then you can continue this exercise. The exercise consists of three simple steps for getting over an affair and eliminating the images.

1. Find a place and time for the images. You need to set a time during the day and a quiet place where you can sit and contemplate about the images. It does sound counterintuitive but it has worked for many people. The concept here is that the images don’t control your thoughts anymore; instead, you are the one who will control the images.

2. Invite the images in. Instead of the images coming to out of nowhere, you take control of your thoughts and invite the images. This way you don’t feel like a victim to this mental torture and are more in control of yourself.

3. Once you get the images, you can manipulate the images in your mind. One way to do this is hit the rewind button and make the images play in reverse. Play the fantasy backwards, whether it’s a slideshow or a movie. For some people, this will work in feeling a lot better. But if it doesn’t, stop immediately as it may make you feel worse.

Remember, that there are many others just like you who are suffering from this same problem and you are not alone. It’s normal to question your sanity when you can’t get yourself to stop the images in your mind. But if you know that it’s a common after effect of an affair, you may feel a lot better about it. You can start healing with a free course on getting over an affair by clicking here.

Posted in affair, infidelity, trust - Tagged get over the affair, images

Divorce After Infidelity – Should You Get a Divorce?

Should You Get a Divorce?

Some couples who have failed to make their relationship work after infidelity in marriage, start entertaining the idea of divorce after infidelity. The emotional sequence of getting a divorce is really devastating.

What will happen after the divorce?

What will happen to the children?

What will happen to my life?

Will I ever find someone else?

What will happen to my family?

Since the injured still isn’t sure about the divorce, they start asking everyone around them whether or not they should get a divorce. They ask their friends, family, priests, rabbis, relatives, counselors; anyone who they can get their hands on. However, if you are in the same position, you need to understand that you should never accept the advice from anyone. Well intentioned and well informed as it may be, none of them are in the position you are and they don’t know if you could live with the consequence of the decision you make.

You need to understand the weight of the decision you are going to make. Many couples think that divorce is the magic bullet which will just instantly solve all their problems. Since, they are having trouble living with their partner and are unhappy, they think that getting rid of their partner will make them happy. Unfortunately it is not so. A study done by By Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley named “Does Divorce Make People Happy” revealed an interesting statistic about divorces.

• Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average,

than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouses

who had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouses

who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and

income.

• Divorce did not reduce symptoms of depression for unhappily married adults,

or raise their self-esteem, or increase their sense of mastery, on average, compared

to unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling

for race, age, gender, and income.

• The vast majority of divorces (74 percent) happened to adults who had been

happily married five years previously. In this group, divorce was associated with dramatic

declines in happiness and psychological well-being compared to those who stayed

married.

• Unhappy marriages were less common than unhappy spouses. Three out of four

unhappily married adults were married to someone who was happy with the marriage.2

• Staying married did not typically trap unhappy spouses in violent relationships.

Eighty-six percent of unhappily married adults reported no violence in their relationship

(including 77 percent of unhappy spouses who later divorced or separated). Ninety-three

percent of unhappy spouses who avoided divorce reported no violence in their marriage

five years later.

• Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation

ended up happily married five years later. Just one out of five of unhappy spouses

who divorced or separated had happily remarried in the same time period.

Now, I am not saying that divorce is the wrong option; neither am I saying it is the right option. I am just saying that before making the decision, you need to understand that the divorce will not solve all your problems.

If a relationship truly has no chance of surviving, then the partners know deep inside that divorce is their only option and they don’t go around asking people whether or not they should go for divorce. However, if you are still uncertain, you can try something to be sure.

Take your marriage to its best shape and if at that moment you still fell that you should get a divorce, then you should.

You can do this by working on your marriage for a period of time. Set a time limit and make yourself put in the best effort for that time limit. Since you will just have to put in the effort for the certain time limit (3 months or 6 months), it will be much easier for you to do it.

Don’t use the ‘D’ word during that time you are working on your marriage. Give it your best shot regardless of the behavior of your spouse.

If at the end of this time period, you still feel you need to get a divorce after infidelity; you will be sure about it and will not have to ask everyone about your decision. On the other hand, if the marriage works out, you will be sure whether it is worth staying in the marriage or not.

If you’ve decided to work on your marriage and not get a divorce after infidelity just yet, you can start with Dr. Gunzburg’s free course by clicking here.

Posted in divorce, infidelity - Tagged divorce

Affairs In Marriage – Will Your Marriage Ever Be The Same After An Affair?

Are you wondering if your marriage will ever be the same again?

The most common question people ask after having affairs in marriage is “Will my marriage ever be the same again?” The question does make sense. After all the emotional and mental torture and sometimes physical abuse, it’s only natural to yearn for the carefree and loving relationship you had before the affairs in marriage.

Most people believe that they had a loving and caring relationship with their spouse before the affairs in marriage and despite what the cheater says, they believe that even the cheater was happy with the marriage. Although, they might be right about this, it’s not logical to want to take your marriage back the way it was before the affair.

Let’s look at it this way, the cheater made some decisions which lead him to the path of infidelity in marriage. Even though your marriage was happy, it wasn’t “Infidelity proof”. If your marriage becomes the same as it was before the affairs in marriage, there is a chance that another incidence of infidelity may occur again.

Besides, the affair has happened and there is no way you can take that back. It has changed the course of your relationship and your life once and for all. Your marriage will be a lot different than it was before. But it doesn’t mean that it can’t be loving, caring and carefree relationship that you yearn for. In fact, there have been many cases where the marriage has become a lot better after the affairs in marriage.

So the real question that you need to ask is: How do you want your marriage to be in the future?

You will definitely need a lot of hard work and a lot of other ingredients to make your marriage the way you want it to be. But to boil it down to the basics, here is the list of things you will need.

Love: No marriage can survive without love. It is the main ingredient in the recipe of a successful marriage. Even though you might feel repugnant to the cheater, you must be willing to love him/her again for the sake of the marriage.

Commitment: Both of you must be committed to make the marriage work. There will be many difficult time in the process and you may feel like quitting. But if you are both committed to make it work, you will make it work and make it better than ever.

Hard Work: You will face many emotional and mental challenges in the process. Unless you are willing to work hard for your marriage, there is a very slim chance of you surviving after the affairs in marriage.

Knowledge: The final ingredient is knowing how to make the marriage work and how to handle the obstacles and problems you will face in doing so. Without proper knowledge, you can fail even though you have the rest of the three ingredients.

There is a very good chance of your marriage become better than ever and if you are ready to start working on it, then you should start with Dr. Frank Gunzburg, Ph.D. free course on healing after an affair.

CLICK HERE TO GET STARTED

Posted in affair

Emotional Affair – Is It worse than Infidelity?

When your partner is having an intimate connection with someone other than yourself and there are emotions involved in their connection with some intensity, then it is quite possible that they are having an emotional affair. It is a very difficult situation for many because it is difficult to confront or accuse your partner of doing anything wrong. Since this is not a physical relationship, the situation is much more complicated than infidelity.

But on the other hand, just the thought that your partner has given their heart and feelings to someone else is much more shocking than hearing that your partner has slept with someone else.

How to know if it is an emotional affair?

Your partner can give you the argument that they are allowed to have a best friend of the opposite sex, which is a valid argument. But the best way to find out if it is truly an emotional affair they will know that they are doing something wrong and will make an attempt to conceal their relationship from you.

The best way to be sure if it’s an emotional affair is to ask you this. Is the relationship concealed from you or is it transparent to you? If your wife gets a message from the other guy does she announce it before reading it that it’s from her friend who understands her? If your husband gets a call from the other girl, does he go to some other room to talk or talks in front of you?

In most cases, the relationship is concealed from their spouse. It’s because the cheater knows that they are doing something wrong and will try to hide it from you. And if you try to snoop into their privacy or stumble upon some evidence, they will accuse you of snooping and not trusting them, or they might use the argument that they are allowed to have a best friend of the opposite sex.

How to deal with an emotional affair?

The affair happened for a reason. Your husband or wife didn’t get in the relationship what they wanted so they had to search for it somewhere else. At this moment, the one thing that you don’t want to do is accuse them of cheating. They will most likely get defensive which will only lead to a fight which doesn’t really help.

There are many things in this situation that need to be worked on. But first, you need to get your emotions in control before you even think about talking to your partner about it. If you want to make your marriage work, you both must be willing to work on it.

The emotional affair is a big deal, but it can definitely be dealt with and your marriage can be better than it was before. A free course offered by Dr. Frank Gunzburg will definitely help you in this situation. Click Here To Get It.

Posted in affair - Tagged emotional affair

Marriage after an Affair – Should You End The Marriage Or Forgive Your Spouse?

An affair in a marriage is devastating. After all you two have been through. After all the good times and the hard times shared together. After all the memories. After growing up a kid together. How could they do this? Is it possible to continue the marriage after an affair? Has the marriage over? Should you end the marriage or forgive your spouse?

I understand that learning that your spouse has had an affair must be the painful experience you have ever been through. The emotional turmoil is unbearable. But you have to pull yourself together and decide whether or not you want to continue this marriage. Do you want to continue the marriage after an affair?

In our society, the knee jerk reaction to an affair is to end the relationship. At least, that’s what most people believe. Of course, it is completely understandable if someone wants to get a divorce after an affair. And that’s what most people expect from you.

However, it is also definitely possible that you work on your marriage after an affair and make your marriage better than it was.

Friends and family aren’t of much help in making this decision. Some of them will tell you to “leave that creep” while others will tell you that you should work on it and give your partner another chance. Even though the advice they give you is well thought and well intentional, they don’t really understand the situation as well as you do.

Those who advise you to leave your spouse are generally saying it because in their experience they probably have never seen a couple live happily after an affair. Those who tell you to give it another chance might not want to include a divorcee in their social group. You never know if there is an ulterior motive in their advice.

It should also to be noted that your friends and family members might hold a grudge against your spouse or you if you don’t follow their advice. In a situation like this, I’d recommend that you be strong and stick to your decision, no matter what you choose and no matter how many people might be against your decision. Remember there are only two people who can make this decision, you and your spouse.

There are a lot of things to consider before you make the decision whether to stick or leave your marriage. I can’t cover all of them here, but I’ll point out the few most important ones.

- Is your spouse really serious about putting in the work to repair the damage that affair has cause? This is really important because if they aren’t willing to work on the marriage after an affair, then there is no way it will work. There are a few factors to consider in determining this –

o Did they completely end the affair?

o Is your spouse looking for ways to repair the marriage after an affair? For example, reading books on relationships or how to survive an affair, or are they going to a therapist or a counselor.

o Is your spouse willing to discuss the details of the affair? Are they willing to answer all your questions about the affair?

o Did your spouse give you a heartfelt apology?

o Do you think your spouse is being fully transparent?

- If I told you that there was a way to make your marriage much better than it was and you two would fall madly in love with each other again, Will you be willing to work on it?

- You will have to go through a lot of emotional and mental stress to make your marriage work. Do you think it will be worth it in the end to be with your spouse?

- A lot of things will have to change in your marriage and your spouse to make it work. Do you think your spouse is ready to make those changes?

Making a marriage work after an affair is not easy. It will definitely be an emotional roller coaster. But if you believe that your marriage is worth it, you should work on it. I will like to help you get started. Click Here To Get Started on repairing your marriage.

Posted in affair - Tagged affair

FREE Report:
What to Do RIGHT Now After the Affair

Get instant access and uncover the 21-most effective steps marriage counselors are using to help their clients survive an affair. Add your name and email below to receive this report and Marriage Sherpa's FREE email course for surviving the affair.

Erase the images from your mind…
Rebuild your self-esteem…
How to talk about the details…
How to find out why it happened…
Why you don’t need to forgive…
10 things you must do TODAY…
Decide if you should stay or go…

FREE Report: What to Do RIGHT Now After the Affair

Recent Posts

FREE Report:
What to Do RIGHT Now After the Affair